Ruminations: Ok, 2017, if this is how ya wanna play …

I never expected it to turn out this way. This wasn’t the plan. I thought I would have gotten up early, made tea or coffee, eaten a croissant in a civilized manner and begun writing like the future author I would become. But it didn’t happen like that. I also thought I would be spending NYE alone. No pity, I wanted it that way. I didn’t want to start the new year with a hangover. And I wanted to watch the ball drop. I hadn’t done that in years. It’s not the same without Dick Clark, but still. I didn’t get a kiss at midnight, but it doesn’t matter because I was so drunk happy, I completely forgot about having, or not having, someone to kiss. Thank goodness for besties who are unsure about spending NYE with their maybe boyfriends, so instead they’d rather be alone, which means being with the other fairly single chick, and not at some over-crowded party or in an obnoxious bar waiting for some beautiful life-changing magic to happen, but just dancing around and being silly. I like dancing around to 80s and booty music and making and eating snacks and being silly and drinking copious amounts of champagne and playing dress-up, alone or with friends, even if my calves are no longer used to that much exercise because I no longer live in a city where I can walk everywhere, and I end up having to sleep on that bestie’s couch because I’m too drunk to drive, and then spend the first day of the year, that day that I was going to be so productive, mostly in bed catching up on sleep and nursing my fatigue and guilt. So this year may not have started exactly like I’d planned. But I learned a lot in the last 24 hours. I will chill out on beating myself up for not being responsible. I will lesson the guilt and judgment. I will accept my silliness, and that of others. I will learn to love myself more, accept myself and not hold back the love I feel for others. And as for the rest of the time, I will hang out as often as possible with my grandmother, sleep when I want to sleep, dance my calves off, soak in every book I can muster and write until my fingers bleed. Happy New Year.